I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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