6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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