well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
