His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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