New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
whose parrot is this?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
