I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
