I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
