i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
