conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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