i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I will die if light touches me.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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