This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
