You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Randomize
