i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
