As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
