One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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