I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
