We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
