Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
