never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
