I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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