Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
