dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
