i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize