I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
