Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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