Welp...herpes.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
