I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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