i wish starbucks made bloody marys
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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