please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
