I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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