I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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