I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
