who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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