Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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