no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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