Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
50% drunk capacity currently
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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