Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
