There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
