I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I looked at my own cervix.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
