apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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