she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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