There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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