That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We talked him into tasing himself.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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