and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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