I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
