Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
