Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
