please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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