I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
