They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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