Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
